Are You Likeable?
Often, as coaches, we are keen to dive into talking technical talk with our students. We are anxious to offer as much constructive feedback and guidance as we can. It may seem counterintuitive, but our technical messages may be better heard and absorbed if we enhanced our likeability factor. Tim Sanders has written a great book called The Likeability Factor.
At its core is Theodore Roosevelt’s quote: “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”
Said another way, before we can effect someone, we must affect them. Being likeable matters, because you are more likely to bring out the best in others by inspiring them to give more of themselves to the effort. Sanders references several academic studies that suggest, “Students who perceive a more positive student-professor relationship and like their professors may be more motivated to learn because the presence of the professor is rewarding to them, and they care more about obtaining the approval of the professor.” Also, “Students become better learners when they experience warmth and friendliness, when they receive praise, recognition, and respect.”
Take a moment to refl ect on your own experiences with teachers, coaches, or bosses. Try to think of a time when you worked extra hard because you were inspired, when you sought to raise the bar and do more. What was it about the person you were learning from or working for that motivated you to care and do more? Was it the letters after their name, their professional designations? Perhaps, it was because they were likeable to you.
Researcher Michael Delucchi at the University of Hawaii found that, “Students who perceive a teacher as likeable, in contrast to those who do not, may be more attentive to the information that the teacher delivers, and they’ll work harder on assignments, and they’ll be more receptive to grading, and they will learn more.”
Think back on a time when you received advice from someone, whether it was a coach, teacher, friend, or family member. Who have you enjoyed receiving feedback from, versus those you didn’t? Is it possible that the closer the relationship and the more you like someone, the more likely you are to both well-receive and act upon the feedback provided?
Finally, if you stop to think about something you’ve done that you’re most proud of, such as your best work, you may come to realize that, in fact, you didn’t do that task for yourself, but for someone else. You were inspired to act because of someone else. Sanders notes, “Inspiration is at the core of productivity.” People respond with loyalty and that extra bit of effort.
At its essence, if you make people feel great, they will listen to you. They are more likely to refl ect on what you said, and to store it in their brain so it can be recalled and used down the road. People tend to trust and try to believe messages which are received from those they like.
Sanders has distilled the concept of “likeability” into four elements:
1. Friendliness – are you nice to be around?
2. Relevance – do people care about what you have to say?
3. Empathy – can you demonstrate that you both sense and understand another’s feelings?
4. Realness – are we genuine?
The factors must be achieved sequentially. That is, before you can demonstrate relevance, you need to be friendly. Being “friendly” involves evoking a generally positive feeling. Our human nature is to seek friendliness as a prerequisite for liking someone. We must first convince a listener’s brain that we represent safety and comfort. Simple acts of friendliness can actually make you feel like you have the wind beneath your wings. When people are friendly and positive to us, we feel great and enjoy their presence.
Your facial expressions can go a long way to helping increase your friendliness. The way you use your eyebrows, eyes, and smile all either build up or tear down your friendliness. One of the best tips I ever received was during an instructor’s course, where it was suggested that when communicating with your group, you should always stop to take off your sunglasses. Your comfort isn’t the priority when communicating with your group; your ability to positively influence your group is. Allowing your
eyes to be seen is reassuring to your group. More importantly, presenting your eyes and eyebrows allows you to bolster your verbal message. Direct visual contact with large eyes and raised eyebrows suggest positive, friendly messages. This, combined with a calm, friendly tone, is sure to enhance the receptiveness of your message. Smiling helps, too.
Once you’ve passed the friendliness “friend or foe” test and have determined someone is a friend, the next question for the listener is, “So what?” We need to know how important the other person will be in your life. Relevance is the extent to which the other person connects to your life’s interests, wants, and needs. For example, if you possess a skill that will help someone complete a task, you’re relevant to that person.
As coaches, we often make two assumptions about our players that may give us a false sense of feeling relevant. We likely believe that our golfers both want to be present as well as want to get better. These assumptions lead us to think that our technical and tactical wisdom is both sought and welcomed. Though it may often be the case that our players both want to be training and want to get better, occasionally, they may not be in the mood. Separately, some may be keen on competitive golf for the social
benefits of hanging out with their buddies and be less interested in getting better. In these cases, our technical messages are less likely to be heard because they don’t pass the “relevancy” test of our athletes.
We may benefit from seeking to understand more about our athletes, in terms of both their longer-term interests and passion for golf as well as for what may be going on in their lives right now that either pushes competitive golf higher or lower on the importance scale. Our players have widely different interest levels, and it’s our job to understand why they are here and what matters to them before we can be successful seeking to instill skill development. A separate way to seek to make training more relevant to golfers or a team of golfers is to engage and involve them by asking for their opinions. If they feel like part of developing the plan, they’re more likely to work harder.
Sanders notes that, “Once you’ve decided that another person is friendly and relevant, you begin to wonder, consciously or unconsciously, if that person understands you. Can he see things from your point of view? Can she feel what you feel?” Empathy is this ability to sense how someone else feels. We all have friends like this, who help us to feel valued and that we’re worth taking the time to understand.
Finally, one’s efforts at becoming more likeable must be based on genuine efforts. Sanders calls this “realness.” You can’t fake your way to being authentic. When you believe another person is real, you believe he is sincere.
Working to become more likeable by genuinely increasing your friendliness and seeking to become more relevant and empathetic may be a great resolution to focus on for the balance of the year. At the end of the day, your best argument for your players is yourself: your passion, your exuberance, and your commitment.
